Outcasts among friends

Deanna and I made the mistake of watching Pride and Prejudice tonight. Such a beautiful and fabulous movie. I get caught up in the language and the simplicity and the period and the fact that I know I will cry at the end when Mr. Darcy in the midst of his emotion is barely able to declare, "I love, love, love you." Admist these tears (small ones, not big), Deanna and I were crying out to one another, "why are we watching this?!" She says it's my fault because it was my idea; I blame her because she hadn't seen it.

Yesterday Deanna and I found ourselves at our friend Larissa's baby shower surrounded by our friends who were all talking about babies, mortgages, adoptions and other married people stuff. Deanna and I were the only two people in the room who were unmarried. And as I described to Jason this morning, it was weird. There isn't really another word for it.

Envious is way too strong of a word. I like to hold babies and observe babies, and I'm completely curious to know what it will feel like to be "with child" and to discover how cool God made my body (to grow a person for 9 months! Wow!!), but I don't want my own. As soon as a baby starts crying, I can't wait to find it's mother.

As for marriage, I know I'm not ready for it. I may pretend to be ready, but in all actuality, I'm too young (which is humorous because I'm the oldest out of all my friends). I've got loads of stuff I want to do before I become attached to another person. I want to be financially stable before entering a marriage and that is something I'm NOT (and right now, my finances are a wreck, but there will be a post on THAT on a later date when I'm not so angry).

But a very large part of me would like to have a positive answer when the ever so subtle "so, are you dating anyone right now?" question is asked which really means, "when are we going to be throwing a wedding shower for you!?"

And apparently telling them, "No, I'm not dating anyone, I'm single. I haven't been on a date in over 2 and a half years, but thank you for bringing it to my attention" is a social faux pax and insinuates that you're bitter. Which I am, though not really about my singleness. I'm bitter against the people who ask you and then tell you "oh, you'll find someone" with a look of pity in their eyes. But those people will take it as you're bitter that you're single. Whatever.

And so it was weird to sit in a room where Deanna and I felt like outcasts amongst our own friends. She's in the same boat I am. We don't really know where we're going to be in 5 years. We're pretty okay where we are in our lives. I think we're both terrified, but at peace.

When Jason asked if by weird I meant I was envious, the answer is no. But I would like to be at least a little less of an outcast. Just once when someone asks if I'm dating someone, I would like to reply, "Yes. Yes I am!"