Brave Lauren?

"We, too, have suffered a series of blows over time. And we, too, have seized upon efficiency, busyness, and productivity as the life we live instead. Now we are lost. Dazed. Alert and oriented times zero. Sleepwalking through life. In order to find our way out of these woods, we must return to the heart."

Above is a quote by John Eldredge. It is a quote that literally turned my life around in March.

I went on a cruise with one of my best friends, Juliette Miller, and expected a calm and relaxing vacation. What I hadn't planned on was the absolute envy of seeing someone do what the Lord had called her to do. I was, as John Eldredge put it "sleepwalking" through my life. I had a job that I had taken because it was the most available, living in a place that I was most comfortable, doing things that were comfortable. I wasn't challenging myself and I really feel like I was ignoring the call that the Lord had for me.

I wasn't being brave.

I was doing work for the Lord, ministry in fact, and yet he was tugging at my heart that there was something I wasn't doing. There was something he had created me for that I was ignoring because I was: scared, feeling inadequate, telling myself that the desires of my heart were selfish, etc...

So I decided that I was going to be more brave. I was going to listen to my heart because God put those desires in my heart for a reason and Satan was telling me all sorts of lies about why I shouldn't be doing what the Lord has put on my heart.

And I was brave. I went to New York for an audition for the Disney Cruise Line, I began the tedious and terrifying audition process again, I confessed to my boss that I wasn't planning on staying past the year I had committed, I was cast as Gertrude McFuzz, I went on a few awkward dates, I moved to a city that I had never been to before and began a new life.

But now that I am here I wonder if I haven't fallen back to my comfortable ways. I wonder if I haven't been challenging myself enough.

I'm sorry. I HAVEN'T been challenging myself enough.

I want to be more honest with myself and with others. And I've been okay about it, but I really want to be great at it.